Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
