lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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