Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
