I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Randomize
