it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
