the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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