I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
