JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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