Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
