It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
