it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
