We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
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I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
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Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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