I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
