So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
