My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
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She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
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I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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