The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
