3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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