Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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