nut hugger
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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