Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
