You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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