Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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