I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
