I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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