I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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