Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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