So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
