my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
