I wish my penis had an off switch
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
