Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
