I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
