I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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