I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS