we have pet lesbian snakes
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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