i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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