i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
