Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(334): View more from Alabama

I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is

(1-334): View more from Alabama

I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P

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(334): I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is (1-334): I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P http://tfl.nu/fyjw

Replies (5) Good night (1131) Bad night (687)
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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.

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(484): Totally smoking with fifteen year olds. http://tfl.nu/wzuc

Replies (14) Good night (1006) Bad night (1338)
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.

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(412): Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet. http://tfl.nu/977n

Replies (14) Good night (4215) Bad night (696)
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(718): View more from New York

he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs

(1-718): View more from New York

I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.

(718): View more from New York

the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.

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(718): he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs (1-718): I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious. (718): the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip. http://tfl.nu/dbxw

Replies (31) Good night (832) Bad night (3827)
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(407): View more from Florida

She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.

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(407): She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast. http://tfl.nu/4kxl

Replies (7) Good night (3087) Bad night (1413)
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(618): View more from Illinois

i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.

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(618): i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today. http://tfl.nu/48rk

Replies (6) Good night (4975) Bad night (1051)
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(347): View more from New York

Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.

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(347): Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account. http://tfl.nu/m8a3

Replies (65) Good night (1611) Bad night (19704)
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(714): View more from California

Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.

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(714): Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare. http://tfl.nu/ceys

Replies (19) Good night (1455) Bad night (6255)
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(860): View more from Connecticut

My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.

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(860): My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you. http://tfl.nu/g8rz

Replies (4) Good night (3870) Bad night (1168)
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(214): View more from Texas

The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become

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(214): The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become http://tfl.nu/8je0

Replies (6) Good night (2941) Bad night (1101)
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(303): View more from Colorado

Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.

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(303): Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV. http://tfl.nu/f5v6

Replies (3) Good night (527) Bad night (1284)
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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.

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(262): Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk. http://tfl.nu/thay

Replies (2) Good night (1014) Bad night (557)
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(469): View more from Texas

I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.

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(469): I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep. http://tfl.nu/gn6b

Replies (13) Good night (1975) Bad night (456)
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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.

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(570): HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES. http://tfl.nu/3qt3

Replies (7) Good night (620) Bad night (272)
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(315): View more from New York

turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes

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(315): turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes http://tfl.nu/o917

Replies (1) Good night (861) Bad night (279)

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