she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.