I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.