I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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