I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Randomize
