First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize