can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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