she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
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yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
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I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.