my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.