I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I did not marry a roomba.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
