I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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