i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
