am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
