I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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