I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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