Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
