Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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