youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
