this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
