Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
