I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
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I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
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told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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