SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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