Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
