Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
