So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
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Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
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You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Of course I have a pirate flag
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If I die, sorry about rent.