I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
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Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.