already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?