Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
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He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
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You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.