Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We're too hungover to prance.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?